2008 Mystery Photo

Help?

Regarding your Application for my Money

After rejecting my application to one of their summer school programs, my alma mater, from which I graduated in good standing, with honors, three years ago had the audacity to ask me for money. My response to them is below.

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March 9, 2008 [Liberal Arts ] College
Gift Administration
New England

Dear Alma Mater,

Thank you for requesting my contribution for the _____ College
Initiative. While I assure you that I carefully reviewed the
materials you submitted, I regret to inform you that you were not
chosen to receive my assistance this year. Many factors contributed
to my decision, including your rejection of my application to Language
School this summer.

The number of requests for contributions that I receive is large, my
means are limited, and I regret that I cannot offer assistance to all
who are well-qualified. My decision takes into account not only the
fund-requesters merits, but also the suitability of the program to my
interests. I can assure you that each application received my very
careful and thorough attention.

Thank you for your interest in my financial support. I wish you the
best of luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Alumnus, ’05

Dear San Francisco Municipal Lightrail,

Please find your bill enclosed with this letter. You are being charged for 100 hours of my time, accrued over the span of two and a half years in which I have attempted to use your service. Many of these hours were spent waiting for the driver to figure out how to propel the streetcar forward (hint: it’s the lever, and there’s no steering wheel on a train), unjam the pregnant lady from between the doors that he slammed on her protruding abdomen, and retract the hot dog that a Civic Center indigent fed into the coin meter.The enclosed bill includes an additional $60 charge for a dress shirt that one of your officers destroyed with a permanent marker while he attempted to ticket an older gentleman who clearly didn’t understand why he was being threatened by a 300-lb gorilla in a police uniform.

This matter will be handled by a third-party collections agency, should we not receive payment by the end of the month.

Best regards,

pk

2007 Mystery Photo

An Open Letter

Dear Sir,

I am appalled. Your behavior continues to be repulsive, gauche and otherwise intolerable. You lack both taste and common decency. During our recent conversation, you insisted on insulting me with your vague rhetorical style and generalizations. Your ad hominem arguments only serve to demonstrate your complete lack of intelligence and tact. Your tone is shrill and accusative, even though by habit you neglect to place your accusations in context. You have claimed that you have been civil and a gentleman during our conversations, but in truth no true gentleman would have conducted himself as you have. Any ethicist worth his salt would agree with me that you are a scoundrel and charlatan.

Regretfully yours,
PK

In Reponse to Your Offer

Dear Chuck,

Thank you for the offer this afternoon; I would be honored to serve as the CTO of your internet startup. Based on the discussion we had on Muni this morning, I feel that I share your sense of mission and believe that I would make a strong addition to the team. Before I sign on, however, there are a few questions that I would like to clear up:

-I deduce from your manner of attire that you hadn’t had a chance to change or shower in several days. Does your company require the same hourly commitment to work of every employee?

-When we met, you appeared to be enjoying happy hour at 10:00 AM at the Montgomery St. Station. Is this because you work nights to accommodate your clients in Asia?

-Your tinfoil hat strikes me as very avant-garde. Can I reasonably expect to receive one as part of my signing package?

-Also, you seemed to be having a heated negotiation with someone else while we were on Muni, but I didn’t notice your Bluetooth headset. Is this part of the tinfoil hat device, or were you using some kind of cochlear implant?

-Finally, can you please give me the details of the vesting schedule for your stock options?

Thanks in advance, and please feel free to get back to me at your nearest convenience.

Best Regards,
PK

Eight Existential Threats

1. Bumblebees. They pose a threat to the very laws of physics, and by extension, existence itself. Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee comments, “It’s scientifically impossible for the bumblebee to fly, but the bumblebee, being unaware of these scientific facts, flies anyway.” While we in the heartland sweat over the possibility of the hostile Africanized bee, the erstwhile wholesome bumblebee threatens the very fabric of our space-time continuum.

2. Scabies. They belong to the arachnid class, like spiders, except that they burrow into human skin and lay eggs. These eggs turn into larvae, which surface on the skin and cause a terrible rash.

3. Hollandaise Sauce. Traditionally ladled over vegetables or fish, its primary ingredients are butter and egg yolks. The French devised this sauce to protectively line their arteries with cholesterol. They subsequently passed the buck to Holland when they realized the flaw in their reasoning.

4. Cheesecake Poppers. See picture under “Where Roast Beef Goes to Die.”

5. CNN.com. Based on the prevalence of articles such as these, our sense of security is inflated, and we are all in mortal peril every second of every day:
-“Toddler crushed by adults in jump house”
-“Giant rat found in ‘lost world’”
-“Pregnant woman hangs by limb on icy river”
-“Jury: Millionaire couple enslaved housekeepers”
-“Is Will Smith really such a nice guy?”

6. Sequels. Civilization is predicated on the power of the human imagination, which Sylvester Stallone dealt a crushing KO in his 2006 “Rocky Balboa.”

7. Global Warming.

8. The Giant Isopod. I can’t believe the Japanese haven’t developed a taste for this critter yet.